I Cannot Prove God

Does this mean I'm delusional?

Reaching out to Heaven. Image created via AI

Yes, I admit it.

My faith is based on nothing.

If you, my friend, come and tell me: ‘If there’s God and He’s kind, and loving, and merciful, why all the horrible things in the world?’ If I start on the Satan theory, they’ll say, ‘So, Satan is mightier than God?’ To which I’ll answer, ‘It’s not a question of power. It’s who you choose.’ Then you’ll get really angry, ‘And why would God make me inclined to choose evil? Why did he make Satan inclined to choose evil? And when, supposedly, all this rotten era is over, and we live in the new divine world without death — and evil — what’s to guarantee that it won’t start all over again? If free will is so important, the possibility of evil will always be there. What new world are we talking about then?’

I might continue with Christ’s sacrifice and the way it ensures exactly that: the everlasting purity of the new world. I’ll stop, though. I’ve been there before. And whatever arguments I might come up with, I’ll always end up beaten down by the rational mind.

The fact that I have nothing tangible to show up for my belief often confuses me, too. My friend, don’t think I’m not a rational creature. I’m a total skeptic, and if I was one of the apostles I’d be Tomas the Doubter. I’ve read tons of books that connect science to religion trying to find some grounds for the maniacal idea that grabbed my mind twenty years ago and hasn’t let go ever since. He exists. He’s there. That much I know.

That much I know.

Yes, but how do I know it?

I don’t have a religious background. My parents were, and still are, atheists. My country lacks the proper religious traditions that could have influenced me from outside the family. So how did my coming into faith happen?

Slowly.

It happened extremely slowly.

One event. A second. A third. Things too weird to be simple coincidences. Things I’ve accidentally read and thought interesting. Finally, one evening, while I was praying silently for something that had been bothering me at the time, I saw the light.

It came into my mind and filled up my whole being. I saw Him, I felt Him, — or Her, there was no definite sex. It was simply a Reason, a Reason of Light and the Light was Love. I was so immersed in that Light that right then and there, my fear of death was chased away from my heart forever. I was caressed, embraced, and held like a small baby. There were no words, but if there were, they would have been, I’m with you. I’m here. I’m you. You’re me. We are everywhere. We are forever.

The Light subsided, but from that distant moment on, the door to its world has remained open. I enter it when I pray. I enter it when I’m alone, desperate, sick, or scared. I enter it every time I need it. And I swim in the Light, and I listen to words that take all my worry away and lead me to new paths and decisions I never thought possible.

I’ve read the Bible. I’ve been to many churches. Catholic, orthodox, protestant. I identify my faith as a Christian one because the kind of Love I feel is a perfect image of early Christianity and the Christian God, but I respect all other religions, too. When I enter a mosque, I do it with respect and in silence. The Light that is Love appears to anyone who looks for It and they could be of any religion. The Light that is Love is for every human being on earth, regardless of their origin, genes looks, sexual orientation, being an atheist or a believer, decent citizen or a criminal, yes, it’s even for criminals, if they decide they want it. The Light that is Love turns you into a brand new, completely different human being once you fall into Its presence. This Love becomes Yours. You start loving no matter what. You are tired and impatient sometimes? Sure, you are. You get angry? You bet. You cry when you hurt, you get sick, you suffer losses, yes, all that continues to happen to you and will continue to happen. You, my friend, might ask, Why is your God not helping you? You tell me you believe, and I can see you’re suffering! You’re sick! You’re lonely! You’re financially troubled. You’re…’

Yes, that’s right. I’m all that, but my dear friend, there’s something I am no longer.

I’m no longer afraid.

I might be initially scared, but I need to only open the door and the Light that is Love will take all that scare away.

I might be sick, but I’m not afraid to be sick. I might be lonely, but I’m not afraid to be lonely. I might be financially troubled, but I’m not afraid to be so. I believe that the Light that is Love will fix things. And if It doesn’t, because sometimes It doesn’t, and I really can’t explain why ( I told you my faith is not based on logic), It will be with me all the way. To make the road easier to walk on.

I might be delusional, my friend. I know it.

I don’t have any solid, palpable proof for my faith.

Yet the thing is, I don’t need any proof. It’s you who needs it. So I’ll let go of the argument; I’ll smile and go on believing. And you’ll continue looking for answers.

One day, I’m sure you’ll find them. In your own way.

Just like me.

---